My home

I feel like I'm already a bit of a late starter on getting to know myself.  I've been seeing myself in the reflection I saw in other people, in my relationships with them... how they saw me.

Until now! I am just now breaking free!  No one trapped me per se.  I was just trapped as a consequence.  I always pushed boundaries, broke rules.  Even had a bit of a reputation growing up in many circles.  My parents may say otherwise (parents are forgiving like that!), but they know this is true.  As they say, I gave them a run for their money! :)

The courage to break free wasn't nurtured, but it was always there.  I've seen glimpses of it, and it's delicious!  For the first time, it's something I can feel on my own!  I need to do this alone!  Alone doesn't mean in isolation - it just means that for now... my home is with myself!

Karma

"When you hurt people, they begin to love you less. That’s what careless words do. They make people love you a little less..." 

- Live Laugh Love

This one hit me like a boomerang!  Literally!  It was about me the first time - as me being the hurtful one.  And then I saw it to be true the other way around too!  Sigh!  It's never just one person!  NEVER!

Sometimes people get hurt despite caring words and gestures and actions!  It's not always because of anyone's carelessness or callousness! Sometimes it's just because things don't turn out to be as they had aspired them to be.  It just... happens!  It's not always someone's fault.  A close friend said something to me recently about this... that the pain is their own karma.

That stuck!  I reflected a lot on it.  Karma - what is it exactly?  And then it came to me - a simpler, relatable understanding of karma.  If you slap someone, your palm hurts too.  What causes that pain?  Certainly not the person you hit!  It's your own action, right?  That sting on your palm is your karma - the equal and opposite reaction to your own action.  What went around came right back around! And it doesn't matter which side of that exchange you're on.  Having been on both sides at some point or another, I know one suffers irrespectively.  And I'm not speaking of the physical sensation of pain alone!

It makes me wonder if that's the purpose of all our painful interactions in our life - to experience our inevitable karma!  Why else do we keep going back to such experiences even though sometimes we're fully aware they're only going to end up hurting us?  The equal and opposite reaction may not necessarily be as immediate and relative as the analogy above, but all our suffering is directly or indirectly related to something we did.  Even a thought towards someone is action.  "Inaction for even a moment is impossible; eating, sleeping, breathing, subconscious mental activities, the heartbeat  - they are all actions.  [...]  Even the supposedly passive goal of contemplation or meditation cannot be attained without action!" [Source: Essential Wisdom of the Bhagavad Gita, Jack Hawley]  And every single of one of our actions, even the unconscious and subconscious ones, have consequences.  That's karma. 

In no way am I condoning consciously done hurtful things!  Our common sense, moral qualities and conscience must always be the filters of our actions.  But sometimes, the pain one experiences due to another's "action" is not about the action per se.  In those situations, who is responsible for the pain that is experienced by both?  Often, it becomes a battle of who's hurting more or who's to be blamed, etc. etc.  We throw in accusations, guilt trips, etc.; you name it!  These actions are what often end up being more damaging to a relationship than the original action itself! 

When you find yourself in such an exchange, take the step to break that cycle.  Put an end to the need to "win the battle".  It doesn't matter who wins - everyone in a battle suffers in some way or another.  No one's suffering is more or less; it's all relative.  It is what it is!  

So, whoever is the source of your misery - know that they are there for a reason.  And they'll be gone as soon as their part in your life is over.  Or they'll stay but perhaps no longer be a source of your misery.  "Love", in its essence, cannot - does not - lessen.  It's like the light of the sun - just because we don't see the light or feel the warmth of sunshine, it doesn't mean it's no longer there!  

Freedom

The pen-on-paper kind of writing - I love it!  I love doing it.  The actual act of it... the feel of it... my mood coming out in my handwriting - it's an interesting experience!  I know it's probably crazy, but there have been times I've opened up a book, picked a part I really like, and began writing it somewhere.  I just looove the pen-on-paper kind of writing!

Lately I've noticed that I've gotten a little reckless with the formality of it though.  I don't worry about the ruled lines anymore.  I'm a little less concerned about the handwriting.  (It's still pretty decent, which is rare these days anyway.)  And allowing myself to be free of the "structure" provided by the ruled lines seems to allow my thoughts to flow more freely too.  The faster I'm thinking, the less particular I am about how and where I'm writing.  And the less concerned I am about the structure that's provided merely as a guideline, the more I am able to express myself on the page.  And that makes the writing experience a whole lot more fulfilling!  At least to myself.  That's who I do it for primarily anyway, as do most people who engage in any kind of creative expression!

BUT... I have trouble writing on a blank page!  Go figure!

That, metaphorically speaking, reflects to some extent what freedom means to me!

:)