I feel like I'm already a bit of a late starter on getting to know myself. I've been seeing myself in the reflection I saw in other people, in my relationships with them... how they saw me.
Until now! I am just now breaking free! No one trapped me per se. I was just trapped as a consequence. I always pushed boundaries, broke rules. Even had a bit of a reputation growing up in many circles. My parents may say otherwise (parents are forgiving like that!), but they know this is true. As they say, I gave them a run for their money! :)
The courage to break free wasn't nurtured, but it was always there. I've seen glimpses of it, and it's delicious! For the first time, it's something I can feel on my own! I need to do this alone! Alone doesn't mean in isolation - it just means that for now... my home is with myself!
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Monday, November 7, 2011
Karma
"
This one hit me like a boomerang! Literally! It was about me the first time - as me being the hurtful one. And then I saw it to be true the other way around too! Sigh! It's never just one person! NEVER!
Sometimes people get hurt despite caring words and gestures and actions! It's not always because of anyone's carelessness or callousness! Sometimes it's just because things don't turn out to be as they had aspired them to be. It just... happens! It's not always someone's fault. A close friend said something to me recently about this... that the pain is their own karma.
That stuck! I reflected a lot on it. Karma - what is it exactly? And then it came to me - a simpler, relatable understanding of karma. If you slap someone, your palm hurts too. What causes that pain? Certainly not the person you hit! It's your own action, right? That sting on your palm is your karma - the equal and opposite reaction to your own action. What went around came right back around! And it doesn't matter which side of that exchange you're on. Having been on both sides at some point or another, I know one suffers irrespectively. And I'm not speaking of the physical sensation of pain alone!
It makes me wonder if that's the purpose of all our painful interactions in our life - to experience our inevitable karma! Why else do we keep going back to such experiences even though sometimes we're fully aware they're only going to end up hurting us? The equal and opposite reaction may not necessarily be as immediate and relative as the analogy above, but all our suffering is directly or indirectly related to something we did. Even a thought towards someone is action. "Inaction for even a moment is impossible; eating, sleeping, breathing, subconscious mental activities, the heartbeat - they are all actions. [...] Even the supposedly passive goal of contemplation or meditation cannot be attained without action!" [Source: Essential Wisdom of the Bhagavad Gita, Jack Hawley] And every single of one of our actions, even the unconscious and subconscious ones, have consequences. That's karma.
In no way am I condoning consciously done hurtful things! Our common sense, moral qualities and conscience must always be the filters of our actions. But sometimes, the pain one experiences due to another's "action" is not about the action per se. In those situations, who is responsible for the pain that is experienced by both? Often, it becomes a battle of who's hurting more or who's to be blamed, etc. etc. We throw in accusations, guilt trips, etc.; you name it! These actions are what often end up being more damaging to a relationship than the original action itself!
When you find yourself in such an exchange, take the step to break that cycle. Put an end to the need to "win the battle". It doesn't matter who wins - everyone in a battle suffers in some way or another. No one's suffering is more or less; it's all relative. It is what it is!
So, whoever is the source of your misery - know that they are there for a reason. And they'll be gone as soon as their part in your life is over. Or they'll stay but perhaps no longer be a source of your misery. "Love", in its essence, cannot - does not - lessen. It's like the light of the sun - just because we don't see the light or feel the warmth of sunshine, it doesn't mean it's no longer there!
Friday, November 4, 2011
Freedom
The pen-on-paper kind of writing - I love it! I love doing it. The actual act of it... the feel of it... my mood coming out in my handwriting - it's an interesting experience! I know it's probably crazy, but there have been times I've opened up a book, picked a part I really like, and began writing it somewhere. I just looove the pen-on-paper kind of writing!
Lately I've noticed that I've gotten a little reckless with the formality of it though. I don't worry about the ruled lines anymore. I'm a little less concerned about the handwriting. (It's still pretty decent, which is rare these days anyway.) And allowing myself to be free of the "structure" provided by the ruled lines seems to allow my thoughts to flow more freely too. The faster I'm thinking, the less particular I am about how and where I'm writing. And the less concerned I am about the structure that's provided merely as a guideline, the more I am able to express myself on the page. And that makes the writing experience a whole lot more fulfilling! At least to myself. That's who I do it for primarily anyway, as do most people who engage in any kind of creative expression!
BUT... I have trouble writing on a blank page! Go figure!
That, metaphorically speaking, reflects to some extent what freedom means to me!
:)
Lately I've noticed that I've gotten a little reckless with the formality of it though. I don't worry about the ruled lines anymore. I'm a little less concerned about the handwriting. (It's still pretty decent, which is rare these days anyway.) And allowing myself to be free of the "structure" provided by the ruled lines seems to allow my thoughts to flow more freely too. The faster I'm thinking, the less particular I am about how and where I'm writing. And the less concerned I am about the structure that's provided merely as a guideline, the more I am able to express myself on the page. And that makes the writing experience a whole lot more fulfilling! At least to myself. That's who I do it for primarily anyway, as do most people who engage in any kind of creative expression!
BUT... I have trouble writing on a blank page! Go figure!
That, metaphorically speaking, reflects to some extent what freedom means to me!
:)
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Desiderata - Etched onto my heart
I have written once about my trouble with poems and with "getting the point". Some, however, go straight through! I have been so moved by Desiderata since the moment I read it for the first time about a week ago! Since then, I have it open in a window on my computer at all times. I feel like it may have found a place for itself in my home too.
It's already etched onto my heart!
It's already etched onto my heart!
Go placidly amid the noise and haste,:)
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Free to myself...
This past weekend, I went away for a writing retreat. It was an experience I have yet to find the right words to describe. In the meantime I figured I could share snippets of it here and there. It was, after all, a "writing" retreat. :)
Our first exercise on the evening of our arrival was to write about our intent for the weekend.
What's my intent for this weekend? For this retreat?
That's been weighing me down as do most expectations. But I need to remember there's a difference between 'expectation' and 'intention'. My intention, as always and from everything, is to feel more connected with myself. I know... that's 'fru-fru' to me too sometimes, so I can appreciate that it's hard to understand. But it is really all I want from this weekend.
A lot has been going on, so there has been tons to write about. I hope to discover what makes it through the sieve of my awareness as it becomes clearer through the weekend. I want to experience every experience in its totality - whether it's the silence, or the yoga, or the writing. I want to feel more connected with myself by disconnecting myself from the feelings I am aware of right now, sitting among people who have seen more of life than me, are more avid writers than me, etc.! I want to be free of my fear of 'their' judgment because deep down I know it's my own judgment that I'm projecting. I'm one of the younger people here so I'm really nervous, but it's also the kind of opportunity I've always wished to have! To be able to share the life wisdom and energy of so many women who are so different from one another - it'll be so enriching! I hope I will be able to shed any mask(s) that I hide behind. I just want to be with the person I am when I'm just myself; when I'm no one but myself to those around me.
Usually we read our writes out to the group. For this one, Sharon asked us to distill it down to 1-2 sentences.
~ I intend to find, connect with, and stay with the person I am just to myself; when I'm no one but just me to those around me. ~
After the kind of evening I've had, I needed to draw some inspiration from the retreat, so I sat down with my notebook from the weekend. Sigh! This was the very first thing I wrote last weekend. And the first thing I read just now! It's what I needed to read! There's been a lot of talk about my "freedom" lately. I've often had to explain it, defend it, even to myself sometimes! That last distilled "intent statement" is it! That is the kind of freedom I desire - freedom from myself to myself!
Our first exercise on the evening of our arrival was to write about our intent for the weekend.
~~~o~~~O~~~o~~~O~~~o~~~O~~~o~~~
What's my intent for this weekend? For this retreat?
That's been weighing me down as do most expectations. But I need to remember there's a difference between 'expectation' and 'intention'. My intention, as always and from everything, is to feel more connected with myself. I know... that's 'fru-fru' to me too sometimes, so I can appreciate that it's hard to understand. But it is really all I want from this weekend.
A lot has been going on, so there has been tons to write about. I hope to discover what makes it through the sieve of my awareness as it becomes clearer through the weekend. I want to experience every experience in its totality - whether it's the silence, or the yoga, or the writing. I want to feel more connected with myself by disconnecting myself from the feelings I am aware of right now, sitting among people who have seen more of life than me, are more avid writers than me, etc.! I want to be free of my fear of 'their' judgment because deep down I know it's my own judgment that I'm projecting. I'm one of the younger people here so I'm really nervous, but it's also the kind of opportunity I've always wished to have! To be able to share the life wisdom and energy of so many women who are so different from one another - it'll be so enriching! I hope I will be able to shed any mask(s) that I hide behind. I just want to be with the person I am when I'm just myself; when I'm no one but myself to those around me.
~~~O~~~o~~~O~~~o~~~O~~~o~~~O~~~
Usually we read our writes out to the group. For this one, Sharon asked us to distill it down to 1-2 sentences.
~ I intend to find, connect with, and stay with the person I am just to myself; when I'm no one but just me to those around me. ~
After the kind of evening I've had, I needed to draw some inspiration from the retreat, so I sat down with my notebook from the weekend. Sigh! This was the very first thing I wrote last weekend. And the first thing I read just now! It's what I needed to read! There's been a lot of talk about my "freedom" lately. I've often had to explain it, defend it, even to myself sometimes! That last distilled "intent statement" is it! That is the kind of freedom I desire - freedom from myself to myself!
Monday, August 22, 2011
"Spacey"
Spacey. It's ironic that I didn't really know the meaning of this word until recently. And now that I do, I've found the perfect word to describe myself. Spacey - yes, that would be me! I know and accept that about myself. Many people I know would probably "accuse" me of it! :) But I realize now that it's when I'm spacey that I have the most "Aha!" moments. And those are priceless! I also realize that when I'm not spacey, I feel claustrophobic. Trapped! There have many instances where I've suspected that I may be mildly claustrophobic with respect to physical space. So, it makes sense that I would feel somewhat that way in my mind too if I felt mentally or emotionally "trapped". Understanding the meaning of this word in my own context has put a lot of things in place for me.
Almost a year ago, I started going to a writing workshop, called "The Moving Pen". I don't really know what led me to want to consider "writing" as an organized activity. The only kind of writing that I ever did was in a journal. Personal stuff. The kind you hide from your mom when you're a teenager. I did too. And got caught! :) But despite the long silent periods, I kept going back to journaling.
Last fall I started to feel "trapped" in my writing. I felt like there was a lot I wanted to write about, but I could never get started. It wasn't so much the writing that I missed; it was my inability to free my feelings, my emotions from the mess they were in. When I couldn't do that, I started to feel "trapped". I couldn't be the first person to have ever felt like that. I started to wonder how writers organize their thoughts. How it all comes together. They would've had to start somewhere… the whole thing doesn't come about all at once. So, how do they start? These questions led me to look up writing classes in the area. I had no idea what was out there for people who just want to write without an ambition to be a writer per se. I just wanted to have an idea - that was all.
One of the first links on the search engine was to this workshop called "The Moving Pen". I don't remember if I looked around for anything else; if I did, I certainly don't recall any. Something about The Moving Pen stood out. I decided to call Sharon Singer, the facilitator of these workshops. I didn't know what I was going to tell her I wanted from her. In our first conversation, we decided to meet one-on-one first. She asked me what I was hoping to get out of it, just so she has an idea. I remember saying "I don't really know." :)
I took a day off work and met Sharon in downtown. It was a gorgeous Fall day that I got to spend with myself. We met mid day, and it was still bright out… it was just the beginning of Fall. I got there earlier so I could just walk around… take in the buzz of the "busy"ness of downtown. I feel free in the midst of it all. I feel "silent" in the midst of all the "noise". It's a difficult feeling to describe really, but I don't give up an opportunity to experience it. And such opportunities come few and far between.
Anyway, we met for tea. It was supposed to be for an hour, but we went over it for a bit. We spoke about writing a bit here and there, but I think mostly we just… talked. There was a lot going on in my life at that time. It's probably why I was so desperate to have an outlet for the words I felt weren't being understood by those who heard them. I just wanted someone to listen… not give advice, not patronize, not try to help, not accuse, not judge… just LISTEN. And because I had become relatively silent in my spoken words, I felt like the feelings behind those words got trapped inside. So, I shared with her my frustration with the hope that she'd help me find a way to let the flow going again. I'm trying to remember what exactly I had hoped that meeting would accomplish, or if I had any plans for my "next step". All I know is that at the end of that hour and a half meeting, I had signed up for the almost monthly Sunday afternoon writing workshop.
I was so anxious to go to the first one. That nervous excitement! It was a very interesting experience!
In the workshop, I felt like a whole bunch of buttons got pressed, buttons I didn't know existed! The things that came up in my writing was… ummm… interesting! :) [As as friend of mine says, "'Interesting' is an interesting word!" ;)] I was surprised by it - not so much by the content itself - but by the fact that I actually made it real by writing about it. And then reading it out to the group, and then later to my family. It was almost like I was coming out of my shell. The workshop gave me the opportunity to do that. It was exhilarating!
And that was just a start! I never stopped after that. I realized how much an unbiased compassionate audience can inspire someone to write with their heart. My sessions with Sharon are like therapy for my soul. All kinds of seeds of thoughts get planted in these sessions, and I absolutely love the germination process and discovering the new ideas and thoughts that grow from it!
Hearing the other people in the workshop read their writing is as much a part of the whole experience as writing is. And just as rewarding. It allows for that "space" for spacey people like me to grow even more. It was in my last writing workshop that the word "spacey" came up as a possible prompt for a writing exercise. It's not that I had never heard it before, but I hadn't heard it out of context. And context is often the key to understand the meaning of new words. This being completely outside of a context, I had to ask what "spacey" really meant. I don't know if I quite got the meaning entirely then - but it came to me gradually as I started to think of it in context of myself. As do most things!
:)
Almost a year ago, I started going to a writing workshop, called "The Moving Pen". I don't really know what led me to want to consider "writing" as an organized activity. The only kind of writing that I ever did was in a journal. Personal stuff. The kind you hide from your mom when you're a teenager. I did too. And got caught! :) But despite the long silent periods, I kept going back to journaling.
Last fall I started to feel "trapped" in my writing. I felt like there was a lot I wanted to write about, but I could never get started. It wasn't so much the writing that I missed; it was my inability to free my feelings, my emotions from the mess they were in. When I couldn't do that, I started to feel "trapped". I couldn't be the first person to have ever felt like that. I started to wonder how writers organize their thoughts. How it all comes together. They would've had to start somewhere… the whole thing doesn't come about all at once. So, how do they start? These questions led me to look up writing classes in the area. I had no idea what was out there for people who just want to write without an ambition to be a writer per se. I just wanted to have an idea - that was all.
One of the first links on the search engine was to this workshop called "The Moving Pen". I don't remember if I looked around for anything else; if I did, I certainly don't recall any. Something about The Moving Pen stood out. I decided to call Sharon Singer, the facilitator of these workshops. I didn't know what I was going to tell her I wanted from her. In our first conversation, we decided to meet one-on-one first. She asked me what I was hoping to get out of it, just so she has an idea. I remember saying "I don't really know." :)
I took a day off work and met Sharon in downtown. It was a gorgeous Fall day that I got to spend with myself. We met mid day, and it was still bright out… it was just the beginning of Fall. I got there earlier so I could just walk around… take in the buzz of the "busy"ness of downtown. I feel free in the midst of it all. I feel "silent" in the midst of all the "noise". It's a difficult feeling to describe really, but I don't give up an opportunity to experience it. And such opportunities come few and far between.
Anyway, we met for tea. It was supposed to be for an hour, but we went over it for a bit. We spoke about writing a bit here and there, but I think mostly we just… talked. There was a lot going on in my life at that time. It's probably why I was so desperate to have an outlet for the words I felt weren't being understood by those who heard them. I just wanted someone to listen… not give advice, not patronize, not try to help, not accuse, not judge… just LISTEN. And because I had become relatively silent in my spoken words, I felt like the feelings behind those words got trapped inside. So, I shared with her my frustration with the hope that she'd help me find a way to let the flow going again. I'm trying to remember what exactly I had hoped that meeting would accomplish, or if I had any plans for my "next step". All I know is that at the end of that hour and a half meeting, I had signed up for the almost monthly Sunday afternoon writing workshop.
I was so anxious to go to the first one. That nervous excitement! It was a very interesting experience!
In the workshop, I felt like a whole bunch of buttons got pressed, buttons I didn't know existed! The things that came up in my writing was… ummm… interesting! :) [As as friend of mine says, "'Interesting' is an interesting word!" ;)] I was surprised by it - not so much by the content itself - but by the fact that I actually made it real by writing about it. And then reading it out to the group, and then later to my family. It was almost like I was coming out of my shell. The workshop gave me the opportunity to do that. It was exhilarating!
And that was just a start! I never stopped after that. I realized how much an unbiased compassionate audience can inspire someone to write with their heart. My sessions with Sharon are like therapy for my soul. All kinds of seeds of thoughts get planted in these sessions, and I absolutely love the germination process and discovering the new ideas and thoughts that grow from it!
Hearing the other people in the workshop read their writing is as much a part of the whole experience as writing is. And just as rewarding. It allows for that "space" for spacey people like me to grow even more. It was in my last writing workshop that the word "spacey" came up as a possible prompt for a writing exercise. It's not that I had never heard it before, but I hadn't heard it out of context. And context is often the key to understand the meaning of new words. This being completely outside of a context, I had to ask what "spacey" really meant. I don't know if I quite got the meaning entirely then - but it came to me gradually as I started to think of it in context of myself. As do most things!
:)
Sunday, August 7, 2011
The light is ON
I left it all to the Universe. I stopped "begging". I stopped regretting. I stopped crying over spilt milk. Even allowed myself to "go back". I really did. Didn't want to regret "not" doing anything about it.
No matter what I did, the message never changed. The messages, the signs, led me back to the same direction I tried so hard to turn away from!
The signs are always there, always clear - it's our ability to read them, our perception of them or of the "fog" blurring our perception/vision that is often the culprit. Or perhaps we're in the process of learning, evolving. Sometimes we may choose to close our eyes consciously. I suppose that's ok too - sometimes we're just not ready. Unfortunately, some people get stuck there for the comfort it provides. Stability is important! I tried that too - focusing on the stability of the status quo. And have realized, yet again, that the status quo is not my thing! It's not where I want to be. Stability is important, yes - but not at the expense of our own personal growth and ability to live our lives in a way that feels free, invigorating!
And there's no guilt! Sigh! Finally! :)
I've always worn my heart on my sleeve. Somebody really important in my life told me once out of their deep love and care for me - "Don't get too close to a lot of people; you'll get hurt." Even though I was really young then, my response was, "Is that why you don't have any true friends today?" I don't remember if I actually said it out loud, but it's what I felt for that person. I felt sorry. Angry too, but more sorry! "I'll take all the hurt," I said, "if it means I'll have a friend or two at the end of the day."
I don't know if the person I'm referring to will know it's them if and when they read this. But I'm going to say this to them anyway - it's been a long time coming, and I suppose the "anonymity" here allows me to be transparent.
I love you dearly. And I know every advice you've ever given me has been only out of your deep love and care for me, to protect me from pain and discomfort and all those horrible things. Sigh. Truth - you can't! Pain is part of the package they call "life", and it's where the life lessons are. If you guard me forever from pain, I'll never be able to fight on my own. I'll come to you when I need shelter because I know you're there for me - always have been, and always will be. But I'm not going to stop flying for fear of falling. It's not possible! You put the wind beneath my wings - you can't take it away now.
Life showed me in ways I hadn't foreseen that that person was right about one thing - that yes, I will in fact get hurt. And not just once! And sometimes not by anyone or anything in particular - it just happens without anyone "causing" it per se. Eventually, I took my "sorry broken" heart and put it inside a vault to keep it from getting hurt again. It even stayed there for a while. For a bit it felt ok too. To not feel the pain, just the longing, was ok for a bit. I even started to think I could say there forever.
But no heart remains broken forever, despite the memories of pain. The heart's very nature is to heal! It's only when we keep picking at the scabs that the healing process never really comes to an end. I didn't even realize when it happened to me - not until I started to feel pain again! Sigh! It's when you feel pain that you know you're alive! How much you suffer from it is a choice you make. Sometimes that; other times you're just learning to be stronger. I always say it's life's form of "strength training". You break, fall apart, rest, heal, get stronger, and go for more!! Just keep pushing on, right?
That's what this means to me - my heart that I'm no longer afraid to wear on my sleeve; the one that shines when strong, but won't go out even when hurt. It may be dimmed, but as long as I'm living, I won't let the light go out.
Inspiration comes from the most unsuspected sources sometimes! Those are the signs. To those who choose to close their eyes to the signs life brings to them - so be it; to each his own. I'm going where my heart tells me to go. Either that, or I'll die trying. No more regrets!
Sigh! :)
~ Smiling ~
No matter what I did, the message never changed. The messages, the signs, led me back to the same direction I tried so hard to turn away from!
The signs are always there, always clear - it's our ability to read them, our perception of them or of the "fog" blurring our perception/vision that is often the culprit. Or perhaps we're in the process of learning, evolving. Sometimes we may choose to close our eyes consciously. I suppose that's ok too - sometimes we're just not ready. Unfortunately, some people get stuck there for the comfort it provides. Stability is important! I tried that too - focusing on the stability of the status quo. And have realized, yet again, that the status quo is not my thing! It's not where I want to be. Stability is important, yes - but not at the expense of our own personal growth and ability to live our lives in a way that feels free, invigorating!
And there's no guilt! Sigh! Finally! :)
I've always worn my heart on my sleeve. Somebody really important in my life told me once out of their deep love and care for me - "Don't get too close to a lot of people; you'll get hurt." Even though I was really young then, my response was, "Is that why you don't have any true friends today?" I don't remember if I actually said it out loud, but it's what I felt for that person. I felt sorry. Angry too, but more sorry! "I'll take all the hurt," I said, "if it means I'll have a friend or two at the end of the day."
I don't know if the person I'm referring to will know it's them if and when they read this. But I'm going to say this to them anyway - it's been a long time coming, and I suppose the "anonymity" here allows me to be transparent.
I love you dearly. And I know every advice you've ever given me has been only out of your deep love and care for me, to protect me from pain and discomfort and all those horrible things. Sigh. Truth - you can't! Pain is part of the package they call "life", and it's where the life lessons are. If you guard me forever from pain, I'll never be able to fight on my own. I'll come to you when I need shelter because I know you're there for me - always have been, and always will be. But I'm not going to stop flying for fear of falling. It's not possible! You put the wind beneath my wings - you can't take it away now.
Life showed me in ways I hadn't foreseen that that person was right about one thing - that yes, I will in fact get hurt. And not just once! And sometimes not by anyone or anything in particular - it just happens without anyone "causing" it per se. Eventually, I took my "sorry broken" heart and put it inside a vault to keep it from getting hurt again. It even stayed there for a while. For a bit it felt ok too. To not feel the pain, just the longing, was ok for a bit. I even started to think I could say there forever.
But no heart remains broken forever, despite the memories of pain. The heart's very nature is to heal! It's only when we keep picking at the scabs that the healing process never really comes to an end. I didn't even realize when it happened to me - not until I started to feel pain again! Sigh! It's when you feel pain that you know you're alive! How much you suffer from it is a choice you make. Sometimes that; other times you're just learning to be stronger. I always say it's life's form of "strength training". You break, fall apart, rest, heal, get stronger, and go for more!! Just keep pushing on, right?
That's what this means to me - my heart that I'm no longer afraid to wear on my sleeve; the one that shines when strong, but won't go out even when hurt. It may be dimmed, but as long as I'm living, I won't let the light go out.Inspiration comes from the most unsuspected sources sometimes! Those are the signs. To those who choose to close their eyes to the signs life brings to them - so be it; to each his own. I'm going where my heart tells me to go. Either that, or I'll die trying. No more regrets!
Sigh! :)
~ Smiling ~
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Hello Fidato! :)
Fidato. That's a word I came across in the Hindi movie Jhootha Hi Sahi. 'Fidato' is an Italian word that means "trustworthy, reliable, trusted".
After watching the movie, I wondered who would be Fidato in my life. I could think of a few people in different contexts and faces of life, but not one person who was "it". With everyone, there was always that thing I refer to as a "BUT-factor". As in, "this person is wonderful, BUT… …" or "that person is awesome, BUT… …" After all, they are all human, like me. And it's impossible (fine… almost impossible) for us to not automatically have expectations from others, just as they may have from us. I have also realized something over and over again - expectations lead to disappointment; disappointment leads to (or could lead to) lack of trust. Nah!
My Fidato would be someone/something whose presence in my life is unquestionable, who's always got my back, and who I could trust blindly - so much so that I'm aware of that trust even when I'm not feeling like a believer. It's that light at the end of the tunnel - to know that it's there even if it doesn't seem that way in the moment. It's that voice inside me that I was always aware of, but never really paid much attention to.
Many people call that "person" or "thing" God. I too have used that term (albeit reluctantly) for lack of a better word. The word "God" never really worked for me because that word instantly brings up a "visual form" of some sort. Or it brings about a feeling of fear.. as in "fear of God". All of these, in my opinion, limit God. I don't believe in a God I have to be afraid of, who'll "punish" me if I don't follow a certain set of "rules"!! That goes against what God is said/believed to be. Or at least what I have always believed God is supposed to be for me.. a guide, a friend.
Today, I realized who/what God is to me. It is that voice inside me that guides me when I'm lost, who I trust and listen to now. That to me is the voice of God... of Fidato!
Stealing from Eat, Pray, Love…
"Hello Fidato! Nice to finally meet you."
:)
~~
After watching the movie, I wondered who would be Fidato in my life. I could think of a few people in different contexts and faces of life, but not one person who was "it". With everyone, there was always that thing I refer to as a "BUT-factor". As in, "this person is wonderful, BUT… …" or "that person is awesome, BUT… …" After all, they are all human, like me. And it's impossible (fine… almost impossible) for us to not automatically have expectations from others, just as they may have from us. I have also realized something over and over again - expectations lead to disappointment; disappointment leads to (or could lead to) lack of trust. Nah!
My Fidato would be someone/something whose presence in my life is unquestionable, who's always got my back, and who I could trust blindly - so much so that I'm aware of that trust even when I'm not feeling like a believer. It's that light at the end of the tunnel - to know that it's there even if it doesn't seem that way in the moment. It's that voice inside me that I was always aware of, but never really paid much attention to.
Many people call that "person" or "thing" God. I too have used that term (albeit reluctantly) for lack of a better word. The word "God" never really worked for me because that word instantly brings up a "visual form" of some sort. Or it brings about a feeling of fear.. as in "fear of God". All of these, in my opinion, limit God. I don't believe in a God I have to be afraid of, who'll "punish" me if I don't follow a certain set of "rules"!! That goes against what God is said/believed to be. Or at least what I have always believed God is supposed to be for me.. a guide, a friend.
Today, I realized who/what God is to me. It is that voice inside me that guides me when I'm lost, who I trust and listen to now. That to me is the voice of God... of Fidato!
Stealing from Eat, Pray, Love…
"Hello Fidato! Nice to finally meet you."
:)
~~
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Says love...
Poems. They always make me nervous. I just assume I won't get the "real message". Sometimes, I get lost in the metaphor, which in itself is ironic considering how metaphoric I often get myself. If I read a difficult poem again and again, it may begin to speak to me. But most times, I never give it that chance, primarily because I have already decided that I don't get poems.
Having said that, I do love good poetry. Anyone who knows me well knows how important the lyrics of a song are to me. I have also, a long time ago, written some Urdu couplets, known as sher or shayari in Urdu. So it's not that I don't get poetry at all; I suppose the medium may have something to do with it. And perhaps language. I find I'm more comfortable with Hindi/Urdu poetry than English. English is, after all, my second language.
Obviously then, I've never intentionally "read" poetry. I have never bought poetry books. Anything I may have I probably got in a garage sale back when I didn't really know what it was that I enjoyed reading most. Even hearing someone read a poem - I capture only parts of it. Often I'm unable to visualize or relate to what's being read. I struggle to stay with the poem. I forgive myself now for it, but until recently that used to frustrate me a little!
So, when a new friend from my writing workshop, The Moving Pen, told me about a German poet, Erich Fried, I didn't think much of it. She sent me a link to the English translations of some of his poems. She said one of them was about the expression that is also the title of my blog. Here's the poem:
What it is
It is nonsense
says reason
it is what it is
says love
It is misfortune
says calculation
It is nothing but pain
says fear
It is hopeless
says insight
It is what it is
says love
It is ridiculous
says pride
It is careless
says caution
It is impossible
says experience
It is what it is
says love
Sigh!! If you know me, you'd have some idea of how that made me feel! :)) It was such a refreshing reminder that poetry doesn't have to be a play on complex, rarely used words - it can be simple, and still have depth nonetheless!
Thanks Jess! :)
Having said that, I do love good poetry. Anyone who knows me well knows how important the lyrics of a song are to me. I have also, a long time ago, written some Urdu couplets, known as sher or shayari in Urdu. So it's not that I don't get poetry at all; I suppose the medium may have something to do with it. And perhaps language. I find I'm more comfortable with Hindi/Urdu poetry than English. English is, after all, my second language.
Obviously then, I've never intentionally "read" poetry. I have never bought poetry books. Anything I may have I probably got in a garage sale back when I didn't really know what it was that I enjoyed reading most. Even hearing someone read a poem - I capture only parts of it. Often I'm unable to visualize or relate to what's being read. I struggle to stay with the poem. I forgive myself now for it, but until recently that used to frustrate me a little!
So, when a new friend from my writing workshop, The Moving Pen, told me about a German poet, Erich Fried, I didn't think much of it. She sent me a link to the English translations of some of his poems. She said one of them was about the expression that is also the title of my blog. Here's the poem:
What it is
It is nonsense
says reason
it is what it is
says love
It is misfortune
says calculation
It is nothing but pain
says fear
It is hopeless
says insight
It is what it is
says love
It is ridiculous
says pride
It is careless
says caution
It is impossible
says experience
It is what it is
says love
Sigh!! If you know me, you'd have some idea of how that made me feel! :)) It was such a refreshing reminder that poetry doesn't have to be a play on complex, rarely used words - it can be simple, and still have depth nonetheless!
Thanks Jess! :)
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
No such thing as Coincidence
Message in a bottle…
Who does one send it to? No one in particular. It'll get to whoever it's meant for... if it is meant for someone. And who does one say they received it from? "Someone out there!" There's no way to know when it was sent, from where, or by who! Both the sender and the receiver don't know each other... never will, but they are now connected energetically! The sap in me would consider it a sign from the universe. No such thing as coincidences, I say. Coincidences are missed or misread signs the universe sends us! :)
In a digital world like today's, I find blogs and networks like Facebook, etc. have become a medium for such messages to be exchanged. I find a lot of inspiration from things people post on their blogs and Facebook pages, etc. In some way or another, those messages come at the most appropriate times… just when I need to and am ready to receive them. Some are eye-openers. Some motivate. Some just "get" it!! At times when I have felt most lonely, I'd just stumble into messages like these, which made me realize that there are others out there who are feeling the same things, or similar things anyway. I wasn't alone! Sometimes, even just that support can be the dim ray of light trickling into one's cave! This must be the thing that they call "hope"!!
Hope - I have had a renewed appreciation for hope recently! Ummeed pe duniya kayam hai. It is true!
I received one such message today from a dear friend:
"
To everyone out there who has given me hope whenever I have needed it the most, and has unknowingly supported and continues to support my growth… Thank You! <3
Who does one send it to? No one in particular. It'll get to whoever it's meant for... if it is meant for someone. And who does one say they received it from? "Someone out there!" There's no way to know when it was sent, from where, or by who! Both the sender and the receiver don't know each other... never will, but they are now connected energetically! The sap in me would consider it a sign from the universe. No such thing as coincidences, I say. Coincidences are missed or misread signs the universe sends us! :)
In a digital world like today's, I find blogs and networks like Facebook, etc. have become a medium for such messages to be exchanged. I find a lot of inspiration from things people post on their blogs and Facebook pages, etc. In some way or another, those messages come at the most appropriate times… just when I need to and am ready to receive them. Some are eye-openers. Some motivate. Some just "get" it!! At times when I have felt most lonely, I'd just stumble into messages like these, which made me realize that there are others out there who are feeling the same things, or similar things anyway. I wasn't alone! Sometimes, even just that support can be the dim ray of light trickling into one's cave! This must be the thing that they call "hope"!!
Hope - I have had a renewed appreciation for hope recently! Ummeed pe duniya kayam hai. It is true!
I received one such message today from a dear friend:
"
To everyone out there who has given me hope whenever I have needed it the most, and has unknowingly supported and continues to support my growth… Thank You! <3
Monday, May 30, 2011
Your heart is a mansion...
Why are you worried about where the road will take you? It doesn't matter. Until you get rid of the block, you're not going anywhere. So focus on getting rid of the block. Everything you need, everything you want… that your soul truly desires… it's all out there. Open your heart. You feel like you're stuck in a lobby, but the truth is that your heart is a mansion and you are the owner; just get out of the lobby already! It's that simple.
Thank you, SR! I love you! <3
Thank you, SR! I love you! <3
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
You are the rain
I love rain…
Sitting out on my porch this evening,
I closed my eyes and just got lost in thought.
At one point I realized how much sound there
was in my thoughts. Almost like a background
score. It was the sound of rain.
Its presence was a balm to my otherwise
somber thoughts...
I remembered how much I loved the rain…
always have…
and perhaps always will.
I love it for what it is.
For what it brings.
For what it gives.
For what it does.
In soooo many ways!
But… but…
sometimes it's more than I can handle.
It doesn't mean I don't love it anymore, or any less!!
But I can't have just that… I need the
sun too… to soak in the rain…. to grow from it…
to be ready for more.
But I'll still always love the rain!
I suppose I love you like the rain!
Sitting out on my porch this evening,
I closed my eyes and just got lost in thought.
At one point I realized how much sound there
was in my thoughts. Almost like a background
score. It was the sound of rain.
Its presence was a balm to my otherwise
somber thoughts...
I remembered how much I loved the rain…
always have…
and perhaps always will.
I love it for what it is.
For what it brings.
For what it gives.
For what it does.
In soooo many ways!
But… but…
sometimes it's more than I can handle.
It doesn't mean I don't love it anymore, or any less!!
But I can't have just that… I need the
sun too… to soak in the rain…. to grow from it…
to be ready for more.
But I'll still always love the rain!
I suppose I love you like the rain!
Monday, May 16, 2011
Ties
For a long time, I wanted to break free from all that ties me down. All that keeps me from going where I feel I’m being pulled. I “almost” did it once! One week! I disappeared from my life and took shelter with a loving welcoming friend. As free as I felt, I also felt lost. Very lost and scared! That felt like a very loooong week! But it helped open my eyes to a truth that was humbling, to say the least. Truth, not knowledge! We are nothing without our ties. They make us who we are. They pull at us – some stronger than others, some we encourage, some we fight. But collectively they determine our direction that is ultimately guided by our own choices. Our ties keep us grounded. They keep us from getting lost into oblivion. They keep us alive after we die.
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