"Spacey"

Spacey.  It's ironic that I didn't really know the meaning of this word until recently.  And now that I do, I've found the perfect word to describe myself.  Spacey - yes, that would be me!  I know and accept that about myself.  Many people I know would probably "accuse" me of it! :)  But I realize now that it's when I'm spacey that I have the most "Aha!" moments.  And those are priceless!  I also realize that when I'm not spacey, I feel claustrophobic.  Trapped!  There have many instances where I've suspected that I may be mildly claustrophobic with respect to physical space.  So, it makes sense that I would feel somewhat that way in my mind too if I felt mentally or emotionally "trapped".  Understanding the meaning of this word in my own context has put a lot of things in place for me. 

Almost a year ago, I started going to a writing workshop, called "The Moving Pen".  I don't really know what led me to want to consider "writing" as an organized activity.  The only kind of writing that I ever did was in a journal.  Personal stuff.  The kind you hide from your mom when you're a teenager.  I did too.  And got caught! :)   But despite the long silent periods, I kept going back to journaling.

Last fall I started to feel "trapped" in my writing.  I felt like there was a lot I wanted to write about, but I could never get started.  It wasn't so much the writing that I missed; it was my inability to free my feelings, my emotions from the mess they were in.  When I couldn't do that, I started to feel "trapped".  I couldn't be the first person to have ever felt like that.  I started to wonder how writers organize their thoughts.  How it all comes together.  They would've had to start somewhere… the whole thing doesn't come about all at once.  So, how do they start?  These questions led me to look up writing classes in the area.  I had no idea what was out there for people who just want to write without an ambition to be a writer per se.  I just wanted to have an idea - that was all. 

One of the first links on the search engine was to this workshop called "The Moving Pen".  I don't remember if I looked around for anything else; if I did, I certainly don't recall any.  Something about The Moving Pen stood out.  I decided to call Sharon Singer, the facilitator of these workshops.  I didn't know what I was going to tell her I wanted from her.  In our first conversation, we decided to meet one-on-one first.  She asked me what I was hoping to get out of it, just so she has an idea.  I remember saying "I don't really know." :)

I took a day off work and met Sharon in downtown.  It was a gorgeous Fall day that I got to spend with myself.  We met mid day, and it was still bright out… it was just the beginning of Fall.  I got there earlier so I could just walk around… take in the buzz of the "busy"ness of downtown.  I feel free in the midst of it all.  I feel "silent" in the midst of all the "noise".  It's a difficult feeling to describe really, but I don't give up an opportunity to experience it.  And such opportunities come few and far between.

Anyway, we met for tea.  It was supposed to be for an hour, but we went over it for a bit.  We spoke about writing a bit here and there, but I think mostly we just… talked.  There was a lot going on in my life at that time.  It's probably why I was so desperate to have an outlet for the words I felt weren't being understood by those who heard them.  I just wanted someone to listen… not give advice, not patronize, not try to help, not accuse, not judge… just LISTEN.  And because I had become relatively silent in my spoken words, I felt like the feelings behind those words got trapped inside.  So, I shared with her my frustration with the hope that she'd help me find a way to let the flow going again.  I'm trying to remember what exactly I had hoped that meeting would accomplish, or if I had any plans for my "next step".  All I know is that at the end of that hour and a half meeting, I had signed up for the almost monthly Sunday afternoon writing workshop. 

I was so anxious to go to the first one.  That nervous excitement!  It was a very interesting experience! 

In the workshop, I felt like a whole bunch of buttons got pressed, buttons I didn't know existed!  The things that came up in my writing was… ummm… interesting! :) [As as friend of mine says, "'Interesting' is an interesting word!" ;)]  I was surprised by it - not so much by the content itself - but by the fact that I actually made it real by writing about it.  And then reading it out to the group, and then later to my family.  It was almost like I was coming out of my shell.  The workshop gave me the opportunity to do that.  It was exhilarating!

And that was just a start!  I never stopped after that.  I realized how much an unbiased compassionate audience can inspire someone to write with their heart.  My sessions with Sharon are like therapy for my soul.  All kinds of seeds of thoughts get planted in these sessions, and I absolutely love the germination process and discovering the new ideas and thoughts that grow from it! 

Hearing the other people in the workshop read their writing is as much a part of the whole experience as writing is.  And just as rewarding.  It allows for that "space" for spacey people like me to grow even more.  It was in my last writing workshop that the word "spacey" came up as a possible prompt for a writing exercise.  It's not that I had never heard it before, but I hadn't heard it out of context.  And context is often the key to understand the meaning of new words.  This being completely outside of a context, I had to ask what "spacey" really meant.  I don't know if I quite got the meaning entirely then - but it came to me gradually as I started to think of it in context of myself.  As do most things!

:)