No matter what I did, the message never changed. The messages, the signs, led me back to the same direction I tried so hard to turn away from!
The signs are always there, always clear - it's our ability to read them, our perception of them or of the "fog" blurring our perception/vision that is often the culprit. Or perhaps we're in the process of learning, evolving. Sometimes we may choose to close our eyes consciously. I suppose that's ok too - sometimes we're just not ready. Unfortunately, some people get stuck there for the comfort it provides. Stability is important! I tried that too - focusing on the stability of the status quo. And have realized, yet again, that the status quo is not my thing! It's not where I want to be. Stability is important, yes - but not at the expense of our own personal growth and ability to live our lives in a way that feels free, invigorating!
And there's no guilt! Sigh! Finally! :)
I've always worn my heart on my sleeve. Somebody really important in my life told me once out of their deep love and care for me - "Don't get too close to a lot of people; you'll get hurt." Even though I was really young then, my response was, "Is that why you don't have any true friends today?" I don't remember if I actually said it out loud, but it's what I felt for that person. I felt sorry. Angry too, but more sorry! "I'll take all the hurt," I said, "if it means I'll have a friend or two at the end of the day."
I don't know if the person I'm referring to will know it's them if and when they read this. But I'm going to say this to them anyway - it's been a long time coming, and I suppose the "anonymity" here allows me to be transparent.
I love you dearly. And I know every advice you've ever given me has been only out of your deep love and care for me, to protect me from pain and discomfort and all those horrible things. Sigh. Truth - you can't! Pain is part of the package they call "life", and it's where the life lessons are. If you guard me forever from pain, I'll never be able to fight on my own. I'll come to you when I need shelter because I know you're there for me - always have been, and always will be. But I'm not going to stop flying for fear of falling. It's not possible! You put the wind beneath my wings - you can't take it away now.
Life showed me in ways I hadn't foreseen that that person was right about one thing - that yes, I will in fact get hurt. And not just once! And sometimes not by anyone or anything in particular - it just happens without anyone "causing" it per se. Eventually, I took my "sorry broken" heart and put it inside a vault to keep it from getting hurt again. It even stayed there for a while. For a bit it felt ok too. To not feel the pain, just the longing, was ok for a bit. I even started to think I could say there forever.
But no heart remains broken forever, despite the memories of pain. The heart's very nature is to heal! It's only when we keep picking at the scabs that the healing process never really comes to an end. I didn't even realize when it happened to me - not until I started to feel pain again! Sigh! It's when you feel pain that you know you're alive! How much you suffer from it is a choice you make. Sometimes that; other times you're just learning to be stronger. I always say it's life's form of "strength training". You break, fall apart, rest, heal, get stronger, and go for more!! Just keep pushing on, right?
That's what this means to me - my heart that I'm no longer afraid to wear on my sleeve; the one that shines when strong, but won't go out even when hurt. It may be dimmed, but as long as I'm living, I won't let the light go out.Inspiration comes from the most unsuspected sources sometimes! Those are the signs. To those who choose to close their eyes to the signs life brings to them - so be it; to each his own. I'm going where my heart tells me to go. Either that, or I'll die trying. No more regrets!
Sigh! :)
~ Smiling ~
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