What our heart needs...

Earlier this year, I did a 21-day meditation challenge with The Chopra Center.  I didn't quite complete the challenge (it was challenging), but the first few days of it got the wheels of transformation in motion.  All of the sessions were led by various facilitators that are part of the center, and each session had some powerful words of wisdom.  One of my favourite ones was led by Davidji where he spoke about the basic needs of our heart.  This came to me as a blessing on a day when I was struggling with a lot of anxiety.  Hearing this that morning helped put me at ease and handle an emotionally charged situation with a more centered sense of self, and awareness of my feelings. 

I've heard this session a few times since, but it first found me on a day when my heart really needed some TLC.  So, I decided to share it here.  All of us need some TLC every now and again... who knows whose heart this may touch...

There are four basic needs our heart has - Attention, Affection, Appreciation, and Acceptance.  These needs get progressively more complex and involve more and more aspects.  But they’re a great guage to tell us when our needs are being met or not being met.

 

Attention

We all have the need to be seen, noticed.  Just to be recognized.  Someone looks at us and their eyes smile, that’s good enough for us.

Affection

A little bit deeper of a need is affection.  Affection is attention with little bit of warmth, sweetness.  A caress, a pat on the head, a hug.  A look that goes just a little bit beyond attention.  It’s sort of attention with sweet intention.

Appreciation

Once we have been noticed and warmly treated, we want acknowledgement.  We want someone to recognize our contribution, our value, some aspect of our being.

Acceptance

This takes it one step further.  Now you’ve been invited in, included!  You’re a part of something bigger than yourself.  This could be a club, a political party, a company, a team, a group – any category.  Community is essentially what it is.  And since we come from the Whole and spend our entire life personalizing, customizing, and individuating – it’s so beautiful.  The reason we want to be accepted is because we’re looking for some way to return back to the whole.  We all want to be accepted as part of that wholeness as we return our lives ever so beautifully moving closer to the Whole. 

When our needs are not met, essentially our need for attention, affection, appreciation, acceptance – we respond with irritation, anxiety, detachment, with lower self-esteem, sadness, fear, anger.  So rather than just having these emotions blanket us, when you suddenly feel a relationship turbulence, or challenge, or difficulty or estrangement – ask yourself what need is not getting met right now.  Is it attention, affection, appreciation, or affection?  And then know, from what seed your dis-ease, your discomfort sprouts from.  And then you can move along that way in a more conscious communication, a non-violent communication fashion to express what’s not necessarily getting done, to express need is not being met.  And from there, you and I have the ability to lead a more fulfilling, more heart-centered, more beautiful life.

<3

My home

I feel like I'm already a bit of a late starter on getting to know myself.  I've been seeing myself in the reflection I saw in other people, in my relationships with them... how they saw me.

Until now! I am just now breaking free!  No one trapped me per se.  I was just trapped as a consequence.  I always pushed boundaries, broke rules.  Even had a bit of a reputation growing up in many circles.  My parents may say otherwise (parents are forgiving like that!), but they know this is true.  As they say, I gave them a run for their money! :)

The courage to break free wasn't nurtured, but it was always there.  I've seen glimpses of it, and it's delicious!  For the first time, it's something I can feel on my own!  I need to do this alone!  Alone doesn't mean in isolation - it just means that for now... my home is with myself!

Karma

"When you hurt people, they begin to love you less. That’s what careless words do. They make people love you a little less..." 

- Live Laugh Love

This one hit me like a boomerang!  Literally!  It was about me the first time - as me being the hurtful one.  And then I saw it to be true the other way around too!  Sigh!  It's never just one person!  NEVER!

Sometimes people get hurt despite caring words and gestures and actions!  It's not always because of anyone's carelessness or callousness! Sometimes it's just because things don't turn out to be as they had aspired them to be.  It just... happens!  It's not always someone's fault.  A close friend said something to me recently about this... that the pain is their own karma.

That stuck!  I reflected a lot on it.  Karma - what is it exactly?  And then it came to me - a simpler, relatable understanding of karma.  If you slap someone, your palm hurts too.  What causes that pain?  Certainly not the person you hit!  It's your own action, right?  That sting on your palm is your karma - the equal and opposite reaction to your own action.  What went around came right back around! And it doesn't matter which side of that exchange you're on.  Having been on both sides at some point or another, I know one suffers irrespectively.  And I'm not speaking of the physical sensation of pain alone!

It makes me wonder if that's the purpose of all our painful interactions in our life - to experience our inevitable karma!  Why else do we keep going back to such experiences even though sometimes we're fully aware they're only going to end up hurting us?  The equal and opposite reaction may not necessarily be as immediate and relative as the analogy above, but all our suffering is directly or indirectly related to something we did.  Even a thought towards someone is action.  "Inaction for even a moment is impossible; eating, sleeping, breathing, subconscious mental activities, the heartbeat  - they are all actions.  [...]  Even the supposedly passive goal of contemplation or meditation cannot be attained without action!" [Source: Essential Wisdom of the Bhagavad Gita, Jack Hawley]  And every single of one of our actions, even the unconscious and subconscious ones, have consequences.  That's karma. 

In no way am I condoning consciously done hurtful things!  Our common sense, moral qualities and conscience must always be the filters of our actions.  But sometimes, the pain one experiences due to another's "action" is not about the action per se.  In those situations, who is responsible for the pain that is experienced by both?  Often, it becomes a battle of who's hurting more or who's to be blamed, etc. etc.  We throw in accusations, guilt trips, etc.; you name it!  These actions are what often end up being more damaging to a relationship than the original action itself! 

When you find yourself in such an exchange, take the step to break that cycle.  Put an end to the need to "win the battle".  It doesn't matter who wins - everyone in a battle suffers in some way or another.  No one's suffering is more or less; it's all relative.  It is what it is!  

So, whoever is the source of your misery - know that they are there for a reason.  And they'll be gone as soon as their part in your life is over.  Or they'll stay but perhaps no longer be a source of your misery.  "Love", in its essence, cannot - does not - lessen.  It's like the light of the sun - just because we don't see the light or feel the warmth of sunshine, it doesn't mean it's no longer there!  

Freedom

The pen-on-paper kind of writing - I love it!  I love doing it.  The actual act of it... the feel of it... my mood coming out in my handwriting - it's an interesting experience!  I know it's probably crazy, but there have been times I've opened up a book, picked a part I really like, and began writing it somewhere.  I just looove the pen-on-paper kind of writing!

Lately I've noticed that I've gotten a little reckless with the formality of it though.  I don't worry about the ruled lines anymore.  I'm a little less concerned about the handwriting.  (It's still pretty decent, which is rare these days anyway.)  And allowing myself to be free of the "structure" provided by the ruled lines seems to allow my thoughts to flow more freely too.  The faster I'm thinking, the less particular I am about how and where I'm writing.  And the less concerned I am about the structure that's provided merely as a guideline, the more I am able to express myself on the page.  And that makes the writing experience a whole lot more fulfilling!  At least to myself.  That's who I do it for primarily anyway, as do most people who engage in any kind of creative expression!

BUT... I have trouble writing on a blank page!  Go figure!

That, metaphorically speaking, reflects to some extent what freedom means to me!

:)

Desiderata - Etched onto my heart

I have written once about my trouble with poems and with "getting the point".  Some, however, go straight through!  I have been so moved by Desiderata since the moment I read it for the first time about a week ago!  Since then, I have it open in a window on my computer at all times.  I feel like it may have found a place for itself in my home too.

It's already etched onto my heart!

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

:)

Free to myself...

This past weekend, I went away for a writing retreat.  It was an experience I have yet to find the right words to describe.  In the meantime I figured I could share snippets of it here and there.  It was, after all, a "writing" retreat. :)

Our first exercise on the evening of our arrival was to write about our intent for the weekend.

~~~o~~~O~~~o~~~O~~~o~~~O~~~o~~~

What's my intent for this weekend?  For this retreat?

That's been weighing me down as do most expectations.  But I need to remember there's a difference between 'expectation' and 'intention'.  My intention, as always and from everything, is to feel more connected with myself.  I know... that's 'fru-fru' to me too sometimes, so I can appreciate that it's hard to understand.  But it is really all I want from this weekend.
 
A lot has been going on, so there has been tons to write about.  I hope to discover what makes it through the sieve of my awareness as it  becomes clearer through the weekend.  I want to experience every experience in its totality - whether it's the silence, or the yoga, or the writing.  I want to feel more connected with myself by disconnecting myself from the feelings I am aware of right now, sitting among people who have seen more of life than me, are more avid writers than me, etc.!  I want to be free of my fear of 'their' judgment because deep down I know it's my own judgment that I'm projecting.  I'm one of the younger people here so I'm really nervous, but it's also the kind of opportunity I've always wished to have!  To be able to share the life wisdom and energy of so many women who are so different from one another - it'll be so enriching!  I hope I will be able to shed any mask(s) that I hide behind.  I just want to be with the person I am when I'm just myself; when I'm no one but myself to those around me.

~~~O~~~o~~~O~~~o~~~O~~~o~~~O~~~

Usually we read our writes out to the group.  For this one, Sharon asked us to distill it down to 1-2 sentences.


~ I intend to find, connect with, and stay with the person I am just to myself; when I'm no one but just me to those around me. ~


After the kind of evening I've had, I needed to draw some inspiration from the retreat, so I sat down with my notebook from the weekend.  Sigh!  This was the very first thing I wrote last weekend.  And the first thing I read just now!  It's what I needed to read!  There's been a lot of talk about my "freedom" lately.  I've often had to explain it, defend it, even to myself sometimes!  That last distilled "intent statement" is it!  That is the kind of freedom I desire - freedom from myself to myself!

"Spacey"

Spacey.  It's ironic that I didn't really know the meaning of this word until recently.  And now that I do, I've found the perfect word to describe myself.  Spacey - yes, that would be me!  I know and accept that about myself.  Many people I know would probably "accuse" me of it! :)  But I realize now that it's when I'm spacey that I have the most "Aha!" moments.  And those are priceless!  I also realize that when I'm not spacey, I feel claustrophobic.  Trapped!  There have many instances where I've suspected that I may be mildly claustrophobic with respect to physical space.  So, it makes sense that I would feel somewhat that way in my mind too if I felt mentally or emotionally "trapped".  Understanding the meaning of this word in my own context has put a lot of things in place for me. 

Almost a year ago, I started going to a writing workshop, called "The Moving Pen".  I don't really know what led me to want to consider "writing" as an organized activity.  The only kind of writing that I ever did was in a journal.  Personal stuff.  The kind you hide from your mom when you're a teenager.  I did too.  And got caught! :)   But despite the long silent periods, I kept going back to journaling.

Last fall I started to feel "trapped" in my writing.  I felt like there was a lot I wanted to write about, but I could never get started.  It wasn't so much the writing that I missed; it was my inability to free my feelings, my emotions from the mess they were in.  When I couldn't do that, I started to feel "trapped".  I couldn't be the first person to have ever felt like that.  I started to wonder how writers organize their thoughts.  How it all comes together.  They would've had to start somewhere… the whole thing doesn't come about all at once.  So, how do they start?  These questions led me to look up writing classes in the area.  I had no idea what was out there for people who just want to write without an ambition to be a writer per se.  I just wanted to have an idea - that was all. 

One of the first links on the search engine was to this workshop called "The Moving Pen".  I don't remember if I looked around for anything else; if I did, I certainly don't recall any.  Something about The Moving Pen stood out.  I decided to call Sharon Singer, the facilitator of these workshops.  I didn't know what I was going to tell her I wanted from her.  In our first conversation, we decided to meet one-on-one first.  She asked me what I was hoping to get out of it, just so she has an idea.  I remember saying "I don't really know." :)

I took a day off work and met Sharon in downtown.  It was a gorgeous Fall day that I got to spend with myself.  We met mid day, and it was still bright out… it was just the beginning of Fall.  I got there earlier so I could just walk around… take in the buzz of the "busy"ness of downtown.  I feel free in the midst of it all.  I feel "silent" in the midst of all the "noise".  It's a difficult feeling to describe really, but I don't give up an opportunity to experience it.  And such opportunities come few and far between.

Anyway, we met for tea.  It was supposed to be for an hour, but we went over it for a bit.  We spoke about writing a bit here and there, but I think mostly we just… talked.  There was a lot going on in my life at that time.  It's probably why I was so desperate to have an outlet for the words I felt weren't being understood by those who heard them.  I just wanted someone to listen… not give advice, not patronize, not try to help, not accuse, not judge… just LISTEN.  And because I had become relatively silent in my spoken words, I felt like the feelings behind those words got trapped inside.  So, I shared with her my frustration with the hope that she'd help me find a way to let the flow going again.  I'm trying to remember what exactly I had hoped that meeting would accomplish, or if I had any plans for my "next step".  All I know is that at the end of that hour and a half meeting, I had signed up for the almost monthly Sunday afternoon writing workshop. 

I was so anxious to go to the first one.  That nervous excitement!  It was a very interesting experience! 

In the workshop, I felt like a whole bunch of buttons got pressed, buttons I didn't know existed!  The things that came up in my writing was… ummm… interesting! :) [As as friend of mine says, "'Interesting' is an interesting word!" ;)]  I was surprised by it - not so much by the content itself - but by the fact that I actually made it real by writing about it.  And then reading it out to the group, and then later to my family.  It was almost like I was coming out of my shell.  The workshop gave me the opportunity to do that.  It was exhilarating!

And that was just a start!  I never stopped after that.  I realized how much an unbiased compassionate audience can inspire someone to write with their heart.  My sessions with Sharon are like therapy for my soul.  All kinds of seeds of thoughts get planted in these sessions, and I absolutely love the germination process and discovering the new ideas and thoughts that grow from it! 

Hearing the other people in the workshop read their writing is as much a part of the whole experience as writing is.  And just as rewarding.  It allows for that "space" for spacey people like me to grow even more.  It was in my last writing workshop that the word "spacey" came up as a possible prompt for a writing exercise.  It's not that I had never heard it before, but I hadn't heard it out of context.  And context is often the key to understand the meaning of new words.  This being completely outside of a context, I had to ask what "spacey" really meant.  I don't know if I quite got the meaning entirely then - but it came to me gradually as I started to think of it in context of myself.  As do most things!

:)